Probably.

All to frequently, such requests are rarely asked politely. When they are slightly more polite, it is usually "Can you translate this from/into Japanese?", to which my stock answer is a qualified answer (usually I'll only offer to translate something within my range of expertise) stating "Yes" and a list of prices. Sometimes I receive "Would you please translate this from/into Japanese?", to which my stock answer is a reply simply stating "No", also accompanied with a list of prices.

The short answer is this; I probably can translate it or arrange for a translation, and I am perfectly willing to translate something or arrange for its translation - IF and only IF - you are a Yamasa student or existing client, or you are offering to pay a suitable fee for it, AND IF if it is within my resources. Which (I think) is fair enuff. In this context the definition of "suitable fee" is determined by me (only). Your understanding is appreciated. Abusive emails won't help.

No. First of all allow me to explain the situation:

• I have never taught English as a foreign or as any other sort of language.
• Other than how to dig foxholes, strip and assemble M60 machine guns etc, I've never taught anything. Period.
• I'm not a teacher. Qualified, unqualified, in this or in any alternate universe.
• I've never been a teacher, and I never will be one.
• My accent is apparently "odd", and I apparently cannot pronounce the "o" vowel except in its Japanese form.

In other words - No. Nope. NO! I can not do this. I know SFA about EFL (or eikaiwa etc) and probably couldn't teach to save myself. And I would rather die.

In case the above doesn't make the situation (ie "no") completely clear, may I add that I wouldn't even know where to start looking. The only teaching jobs I know anything about are for teaching Japanese (only), in Japanese (only), at Yamasa (only), for qualified and experienced teachers (only), who must be native speakers of Japanese (only).

Although I've spent most of my adult life in Japan, I can't say that I share a common interest with those attracted to Japanese anime or manga. In fact for the first 5 years that I studied Japanese, I often mistook manga for hanga. I've so far seen a grand total of one anime "movie" (sen to chihiro no kamikakushi) during the later part of which I fell asleep, and to which I only went along because I was dragged along under duress by a hot chick while bound & gagged and somewhat infatuated (not with the movie). So far I have so far read a grand total of one manga book (ISBN-13: 978-4840106832), the only comics I've read since Asterix and Obelix graced the page, and have never seen or read Sailor Moon etc, unlike David. I haven't even managed to sit through a single entire episode of Rupan-sansei. If you have a question about anime/manga, I will bet you London to a brick that I won't know the answer. So its probably best not to waste your precious time asking me.

No.

I may spend 18 hours in front of a computer each day, but I've never actually played a computer game. Not even solitaire or whatever it is that Microsoft bundles with their OS these days. To give you an idea of the sheer depth to my ignorance, I was once called to the student village to investigate the case of a stolen PlayStation. I asked what I thought might be all the usual questions regarding missing electronics such as "serial number?" "distinguishing marks?" and so forth, but you should have no problem realizing how limited my interest and knowledge of games is when I tell you that the only time the student laughed during the interview was when I asked "what company makes it?"

No. I quite like a few older Japanese bands such as Mr. Children, but transcribing or translating lyrics isn't my idea of the most fun you can have with your pants on. Sorry, but I can't help.

When I hear the term "Martial Art", in my mind it tends to conjure up images of oil paintings of the Battle of Waterloo and so on. Apart from one or two years of Judo in Australia as a kid (I didn't at the time even know Judo was Japanese in origin), I haven't participated in any such sports. If you are enrolling in Yamasa and need to find somewhere in Okazaki to practice your <insert_name_of_martial_art_here>, let me know and with a bit of telephoning around my staff should be able to find what you need. Otherwise, sorry but I can't help you.

This is similar in many ways to "Can you please translate this into Japanese?" requests. If you are really interested in learning how to write something in Japanese, start learning the language, and if it is helpful make use of the OCJS and the Online Dictionary etc. If you do, then your blood is worth bottling and yes! I would be happy to help. Just ask your question using the bulletin boards, not by email please.

I guess the answer for this is similar to the point above, but to be honest these inquiries are increasingly starting to piss me off. I get several emails a week, and people are often rude when I politely decline. Sometimes they are rude to the point of irrationality. I still don't understand why anyone would want to be tattooed with something they can't read unless they are at a minimum a few sausages short of a good barbecue. Anyone who refuses to take a polite "Sorry, but no can do" for an answer simply deserves to receive tattoo recommendations that if acted upon would ensure that they will be laughed at or ridiculed if they ever showed it to anyone able to read Japanese. You have it coming to you. Don't tempt me. Now go away.

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