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How to run an International Office

...vaguely part of a highly unreliable memoir by Declan Murphy that will not be finished soon...
06:30 Wakeup and lie awake in bed wishing you had closed the curtains to shut out the bright morning sunlight.
06:31 Realize you drank JPY6800 at Jinpachi last night, no more going out for the next 2 weeks.
06:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
07:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth - you didn't hit the snooze button - you turned it off.
07:01 Carefully correct it.
07:02 Fall asleep again.
07:44 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth again.
07:45 Look at clock - This is the last possible moment to get up if you are going to get to work on time (8am).
07:46 Hit snooze button.
07:51 Hit snooze button.
07:56 Hit snooze button.
08:01 Hit snooze button.
08:06 Hit snooze button.
08:11 Hit snooze button.
08:16 Hit snooze button.
08:21 Hit snooze button.
08:26 Hit snooze button.
08:31 Hit snooze button.
08:36 Hit snooze button.
08:41 Hit snooze button.
08:46 Hit snooze button.
08:48 SHIT!!!!!! But thank God for the 'back-up' alarm clock you keep in the kitchen.
08:48 Begin the "Superman" shower/dress/pack routine.
08:56 Can't decide which suit to wear. Dammit. Put on jeans and wrinkled T-shirt.
08:58 Breakfast is overrated - lets eat an early brunch at Denny's/Bentoman/Bikkuri Donkey...
08:59 Ready to go to the campus. (remind yourself to iron your clothes tomorrow).
09:00 Start running...will tie the shoelaces/comb hair (with four finger comb)/wake up etc later.
09:01 Promise yourself that you will ride your environmentally bicycle... tommorrow, jump into car.
09:02 Guilty feelings as carpark fills with whitish smoke exhaust (what is that???).
09:03 Run the red light at Route 248.
09:04 BRAKE!!!!! SCREECH!!!!! DO NOT hit full fee paying students on bicycles.

09:04 Politely inform student that they are 4 minutes late for class.

09:05 Screech into Multimedia Studio carpark. Curse when all the parking spots are taken.
09:06 Park in President's space and promise yourself that you will move the car at the very first opportunity.
09:07 Enter studio. Take shoes off (Congratulate yourself on not having tied up your shoelaces - very efficient).


Realize that ALL of your keen, young, clean living and healthy looking assistants and interns have arrived MUCH MUCH earlier. Probably well before 8am. They look like they have even been out for an early jog around the castle. Probably have actually...

As usual...(curse them)

Hmm... They all look so busy looking at their screens. Best not to disturb their chain of thoughts...


09:08 Try to tiptoe quietly down the corridor to the cave without anyone noticing.
09:08 (From everybody all at once) "OHAYOU GOZAIMASU!"

(Damn...)

09:09 Mumble "Ohayou gozaimasu" back to everyone. (Have never managed to sneak in successfully yet)
09:10 Turn everything on one by one. So little time, so many gadgets.
09:11 Why are there so many gadgets??? Log In.
09:12 Receive in personal email
09:13 momentary panic attack! - how will I answer it all....
09:14 Regain composure. Deep breath.
09:15 Receive in support email
09:17 major anxiety attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
09:18 Regain composure. That was the worst of it...maybe?
09:19 Think about opening the database to view the overnight inquiries.
09:20 Think much better of it.
09:21 For a jumpstart: go to vending machine for caffeine fix.
09:22 Kick machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask for your money back.
09:23 Idiot. Why would they believe an ugly gaijin?
09:24 Head across the road to Yamasa II building, buy a coke for late breakfast.
09:25 Check main fax machine on the way back.
09:26 Deeply Deeply Deeply regret having checked the fax machine.
09:27 Carry pile of faxes plus heavy boxload of mail across to the studio. ("Why didn't I send an intern...?")
09:30 Start deleting junkmails. Early morning stupefaction starts to set in.
09:31 I hate hangovers.
09:32 Why did I drink so much last night?
09:33 Promise not to drink late on a weeknight ever again.
09:34 Ever again!
09:35 Jinpachi was a lot of fun though. And what was that weird chick in the corner with the green hair talking about...
09:36 Phone starts ringing off the hook. (By now everyone knows you've turned up - there's no escape)
09:40 Hunger pangs...
10:30 Finish deleting junkmails.
10:31 Sneak over to Yamanaka supermarket to fix the caffeine problem once and for all.
10:37 Realise you are late for a meeting. Run through carpark back to studio.
10:40 Start meeting. Nagging thought.
10:41 Mid-morning yawning begins.
10:50 Excuse yourself from meeting. (An urgent phone call???)
10:55 That nagging thought again.
11:20 Return to meeting for conclusion. As usual, you didn't miss anything.
11:25 Hunger pangs...
11:26 Phone rings
11:27 "Moshi moshi?"
11:28 Dekuran there was a call for you
11:29 "Dare"
11:30 Susan
11:31 "Susan dare?"
11:32 I don't know. Didn't ask. She said she would call back later

11:32.01 Sigh.

11:30 Open database to view the overnight inquiries.
11:32 MAJOR ANXIETY ATTACK (until hardworking intern tells she has already answered the inquiries)
11:33 Make a mental note to be very very nice to clean-living, early rising interns who jog around the castle.
11:34 Begin answering all those customer emails.
11:36 Drink not-so-cold generic canned coffee from desk drawer.

Ch-Ching, you just saved 25 yen by buying bulk coffee. Oh yeah!

11:56 More nagging thoughts. What am I forgetting???? More phone calls.
12:10 More hunger pangs...
12:14 Continue answering emails. Yet more phone calls.
12:20 Students start to drop by the cave during their lunch, preventing me from having mine.

(An extract from a recent impromptu student interview - (slightly embellished)

Declan "So how are things? Do you need additional study resources? Is your class level suitable?"
Student "Fine. No. Yes. Where can I ride a horse in Okazaki?"
Declan "Um, ah, horse? as in uma? I don't think anyone rides them around here..."
Student "But Tokugawa Ieyasu did. And I saw a postcard with a horse..."

(is this student for real???)

Declan "Um, ah, Well it has never occurred to me to ride a horse in Okazaki. Can I get back to you?
Student "Yes sure. Can you let me know by this afternoon though because I've got plans..."

(Can a gaijin get a gun license in this country??? The above is actually almost true story)

12:56 More emails. More phone calls. What is that goddamn nagging thought????
12:57 Call from President's secretary - "Who owns the car blocking the entrance???"
12:58 "wakarimasen - but I'll see that its moved, even if I have to push it myself."
12:59 SHIT!!!!!! Where did I put my effing car keys??????
13:00 Screech out of carpark. Decide to escape and eat lunch. Buy lunch.
13:05 Cellphone starts ringing.
13:10 More cellphone calls.
13:15 Yet more cellphone calls.
13:20 Consider turfing the bloody thing out the window. Instead turn off cellphone and eat my octopus.
13:35 On the way back run the red light at Route 248.
13:37 BRAKE!!!!! SCREECH!!!!! NEVER NEVER hit full fee paying students on bicycles.
13:39 Screech into Multimedia Studio carpark. Double park.
13:41 Enter Studio. Apologise profusely to all and sundry for the cellphone's "flat" battery.
13:45 Continue answering emails.
13:58 Call Bank Manager. Am told to call back.
14:10 Call Bank Manager again. "Why can't we get credit card cashing services at the local branch yet?"
14:35 My God. There is a queue of students waiting outside the cave to see me.
14:55 Mid Afternoon stupefaction sets in.
14:56 Caffeine fix.
14:58 Junk food fix.
15:00 Afternoon interns and part-timers arriving. Do the briefings... They're so smart and techie that its scary.
15:05 SHIT!!!! Forgot to actually go to the bank. Why do Japanese banks close so early?
15:25 Yet another caffeine fix. Saving lots of money today Declan.
15:35 Finally empty the email out-tray. Pause for self-flaggelation to the tune "I feel good".
15:36 Start thinking about doing some real work. Its kind of depressing.
15:37 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed online till 3am browsing the newsgroups and checking the cricket score updates.
15:40 Mid-afternoon yawn time.
16:00 Browse Sydney Morning Herald online edition for more cricket updates.
16:09 Go to bathroom
16:15 Return from bathroom
16:16 Hmmm, there is an ICQ message waiting
16:17 "Nani?" I type...
16:18 There was a call for you
16:19 From who? I type...
16:20 Eigo no kata deshita.
16:21 Didn't you ask for their name and phone number? I type...
16:22 No.

16:22.01 Sigh.

16:23 Second wind arrives. Ready to get back to work with a high productivity spree.
16:24 YES!!!! Show the staff and interns how its done and why you are in charge!
16:25 Mail server crashes...
16:26 Perverted daydreams.
16:27 Decide to take a well earned break.
16:28 Read up on credit transfer procedures for some obscure college in some obscure American state I've never heard of.
16:30 Wonder how to pronounce the college's name.
16:31 Where is that state anyway...
16:32 What do people do there?
16:33 Second mid-afternoon yawn time.
16:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate as President passes by outside the cave.
16:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minutes until all the garbage you typed in is erased.

"Did you know that I can type more than 256 characters per half minute on a Japanese OS..?"

16:45 Flirt with that new girl in the neighbouring department.
16:55 Print out some slides for tomorrow mornings presentation. LOOKING GOOD!!!

Duh!

16:58 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from the last presentation.
16:59 Thinks how its amazing that nobody ever notices its the same presentation.
17:00 Remind yourself that you never pay attention in the meetings either. Do we all do this?
17:02 Print another copy in case this one gets lost
17:05 Hunger pangs: Must be nearly Big Mac & Fries time.
17:10 Mail Server is up! Check electronic mail, don't reply yet though, you are too busy to do that.
17:14 More generic coffee.
17:17 Remember that you were supposed to audit a class today.

Damn!

17:18 Splitting headache #1
17:33 Beautiful long-legged (blonde???) haired Japanese girl in tight jeans walks by your window!!!???
17:34 Hmm, my hangover seems to be gone, perhaps it might be time to ease off the sugar and caffeine.
17:35 Look outside the window again, but she has disappeared from sight.
17:35 Hallucinating?
17:36 Naahhh, it was definitely a beautiful long-legged blonde haired Japanese girl in tight jeans.
17:38 Make unrealistic plans to quit this job and get a real one.

Are you f***ing serious???

17.40 Wonder why blonde girls are so attractive.
17.40 Some kind of biological thing? Animal attraction, DNA, hormones. Think I saw something about it on TV once.
17.42 Its probably just the very cheap coffee.
17:48 Sharpen each and every pencil vvveeerrrryyyy carefully.
17.54 More perverted day-dreams.
17.55 Close the cave door and open a few ".gif" files...
18:03 Phone/Fax starts ringing off the hook. Emails are piling in - looks like the Europeans are up.
18:12 Time to write a letter - NOT! No time for that. Busy! Busy! Busy!
18:33 Think about rearranging desk - but where is my desk? Maybe under that mountain of paper???
18:45 Read manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% into %$^%
19:01 More hunger pangs. Start saying "Is that the time???" and "You really should go home and study." etc
19:05 It worked - people streaming out of the studio.
19:18 All gone!!!, only graphic design superstar Sugiura-san and I left. Order pizzas, open the beers.
19:30 Finally making progress.

Homepage construction flying! Databases moving! Invoices sent! Spreadsheets balancing! Phone is off the hook!
Miles Davis is jammin...

21:20 Sugiura-san leaves. Wait impatiently for 2 minutes or so until you hear his car leave the carpark.

PUMP UP THE VOLUME!!! Make plans to do an all-nighter...

21:58 Girlfriend calls on cellular phone - quickly turn off Miles!

GF "What are you still doing working this late? You are always there too late... Who are you with?"
Declan "nobody,isogashii, VERY BUSY, ganbatteimasu, so much to do, vital customers, nado, etc"
GF "Go home, go to sleep early and for once try to get up on time."
Declan "more excuses, isogashii, so much to do, nado nado nado, etc etc etc"
GF "...and hide all the CD's first or people will know that you are only doing the studio gig for fun"

(They never miss a thing)

22:06 Get ready to go home.
22:21 As a hard working gaijin manager, you decide to go home early and come in at the crack of dawn.
22:22 Reflect on the fact that its been more than six months since you were even on time.
22:23 Do one last email check before you go.
22:24 What the hell were you thinking....
23:27 Thats the last of the European emails. All done.
23:28 Since you are here late, its a good time to attack those ftp sites since the network won't be loaded.
23:39 Run into very heavy "since network won't be loaded" traffic but get the piccies into your machine.
00:05 Finish compressing all unwanted directories to make space.
00:15 Better back up all those images.
00:15 All done.
00:15 Might be best to make a back up of the back.
00:23 Admire pictures.
00:38 Still admiring pictures.
00:43 Dangerous thoughts! "What if I put this image into photoshop? It wouldn't take long...
01:10 Finally leave studio.
01:13 Ignore red light on route 248 - no traffic.
01:15 Arrive home-sweet-home. "What is that awful smell?"
01:15 Realize you forgot to put the rubbish out last night. Dammit.
01:23 Set alarm clock. Set back up alarm clock. Open curtains for maximum "bright light" effect.
01:24 Finally lying in bed. Ready for that refreshing sleep before the early morning start.

01:30 ish Doze off to sleep...zzzzzzzz

01:35 Cellphone rings and rings and rings. You have got to be kidding!
01:35:20 Moshi Moshi? Mr Murphy? I lost my key in Nagoya and am locked out of my apartment..."

I do not believe this

Declan "Single or shared"
Student "Shared"
Declan "Well, why can't your room-mate let you in"
Student "The last time I saw him he was taking off with 2 Japanese girls for a late night club in Sakae."
Declan "What?"
Student "I said the last time I saw him he was taking off with 2 Japanese girls for a late night club in Sakae."
Declan "Yes yes yes I HEARD what you said..."

momentary feeling of extreme jealousy towards student life in general

Declan "...but if there were two of them why the bloody hell didn't you go with him?"

...and this stupid idiot's room-mate in particular.

Student "Well err"
Declan "You call yourself a Yamasa student?"

How on earth did this moron slip through the admissions procedures?

Student "I wanted to but I'm leaving on a holiday tomorrow morning."

Holiday??? Yasumi??? Vague recollection that in English it means 'not working' for two or more days in succession.

Declan "Well it isn't cold. Why don't you sleep on your balcony or in the carpark? Or go to Denny's for 20 coffees?"
Student "But my Japanese friends will be meeting me at 6.30am and my bags are all locked inside"

Constant defeat is just one of those things I believe you sometimes just have to adjust to.

Declan "OK OK OK - Wait in the bloody carpark and I'll be there in 20 minutes".

Start making mental notes regarding how to review the selection and vetting process.

01:37 Think very seriously about leaving the bastard in the carpark all night.
01:38 Think better of it. He'll owe me more beers this way...
01:41 Clothes back on. Back into car.
01:45 Ignore red light on route 248 - no traffic.
01:49 Arrive at Institute, get spare key.
01:53 Ignore red light on route 248 - no traffic.
01:58 Arrive in car park, swerve to avoid student walking out in front of the car....
01:59:20 Recall that you should NEVER NEVER run over a full fee paying student.
01:59:21 Notice in the rear-view mirror that he's smiling.

01:59:22 Seriously consider reversing over the stupid bastard right NOW.

01:59:23 Think better of it. My God the paperwork that would be involved.
01:59:30 And I'd have to actually wash the car...
02:00:30 When was the last time I washed the car?

02:04 Arrive home-sweet-home. Sneak out with the rubbish out even though it isn't garbage night. No one will know
02:08 Check alarm clock. Check back up alarm clock. Check curtains for "bright lights" effect.
02:09 Hunger pangs.
02:10 Realize you have no food - zip, nuthin, zilch - in the kitchen fridge.
02:11 Raid bar-fridge.
02:12 Turn on TV.
02:13 A Guinness is a very good late night snack.
02:18 I wonder what the cricket score is?
02:13 A third Guinness is an even better late night snack. Especially with a couple of whiskey chasers...
04:something Pass out on carpet.

I thought I was leading a busy life when I wrote this file one Sunday. At that stage running the Office was the largest part of my job.

Now its almost nostalgic! Aaarghhhhh....

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"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever...." - Anonymous

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